


Castiel's On His Own

by amazinglyhorribleegg



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bees, Before Lucifer's Fall (Supernatural), Castiel Makes Mistakes, Castiel Thinking, Castiel and Feelings, Character Death, Character Study, Demons, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, FUCK I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE LAST HALF OF THIS STORY, Fledgling Castiel, Gen, Heaven, Heavy Angst, Hurt Castiel, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, NOW IT"S EVEN MORE SHIT THAN BEFORE, Nice Sam Winchester, Not Happy, Past Child Abuse, Regret, Reminiscing, Spoilers, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?, but also castiel regrets, existing, i regret writing this, it's 3am and I want to die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 20:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14089320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazinglyhorribleegg/pseuds/amazinglyhorribleegg
Summary: "Castiel grew to love the Winchesters and everything about them. They made a good pair and fought together diligently.It was only a matter of time before Castiel messed that up, just like everything else."-=-Castiel's alone. And when he's alone he reminisces of his life, from all the way back when he was a fledgling to now. What will he discover from it?-=-((Warning: Not happy. Spoilers. Character death, canon and not canon))





	Castiel's On His Own

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 3AM and accidentally deleted the end so don't expect this to be coherent in any way
> 
> I promise I'll re-write it when I can think clearly.

Castiel's on his own

He's reminiscing of his life, of all his mistakes, of how things used to be so much better.

He remembers his family.

Back before Lucifer's fall. Castiel would play in the forest by himself, because he never had any friends thanks to his black wings. He would run from rock to rock, climb trees and follow bees to see where they went to. He would watch as they go into their hive but he wouldn't dare try to take the honey out.

He remembers fighting. He remembers when Gabriel would cuddle with kids under the willow tree and sing as their brothers fought. There was never enough room for Castiel to fit, so instead he hid in the caves and the flowers of heaven and waited it out.

He met a little boy there with bright red wings and innocent eyes. Samandriel, he said his name was. He didn't mind Castiel's raven wings.

It was like Castiel's life gained a bit more colour after that. He had a friend, he had a brother to look out for.

Castiel taught him everything Samandriel didn't know and wasn't taught in class - how the bees created little dances to communicate, how each flower smelt pretty _except that one, don't smell that one Samandriel._ How sometimes two woodpecker's pecks would align and they would peck at the same time, or how clouds sometimes made funny shapes that looked like other things.

Castiel taught him that there was more to life than just following orders; that you aren't really living if you never smell the flowers or got stung by an angry bee wasp before.

And then Lucifer fell, earth was ripped apart and placed back together, all the archangels broke apart in fury and anger. But worst of all, Samandriel left.

Castiel didn't know where he went, whether it was back to his nest or to explore the world without him.

Castiel just hoped that Sammy remembered what Castiel taught him.

Castiel was on his own. Walking alongside rivers and fighting off an occasional demon with his angel blade. He spent time alone. Too much time alone. It was the death of him.

One day, Castiel pointed his angel blade to his chest and prayed for forgiveness before piercing it through his body.

He woke up to Naomi above him, telling him that he needed to work in the garrison and that there was a war he needed to attend to.

So Castiel fought. Demons, angels, monsters he didn't even know the name of. He never knew why he was fighting - he just did.

He fumbled, dropped his angel bade, lost his balance. Blacked out, face to face with a demon.

But there was another angel to save him. Balthazar, an older angel with soft brown wings and a sarcastic attitude helped him get back on his feet and _stay_ there.

They fought together, side by side. Balthazar was there for Castiel when he broke a wing, or when he hesitated in the face of danger.

Balthazar was the first to volunteer when Castiel asked for help pulling the righteous man out of hell.

And then Balthazar was gone. Assumed dead by a rockslide in hell.

Castiel had no time to grief when suddenly there was Dean, the righteous man, Michael's vessel there, trying to communicate with him.

It all went downhill from there.

It was like Castiel had family. Not like a little brother that he played with during the day, or a friend that patched him up after he got hurt, no. They were family. The Winchesters cared about him in ways he was never cared about before.

Dean was gruff and ambitious, always diving head-first into danger. He stuck up for his family and always listened to his gut. He reminded Castiel of Michael in many ways.

Sam was a different story. Castiel was never close with Lucifer, he only heard gossip from in-between the wars. How Lucifer was evil, selfish, cold. How he went against god and hated anything that wasn't his own. Castiel nearly feared Sam, knowing how ignorant humans could be.

His thoughts were changed when he first got to know the younger Winchester. Sam was none of the things Lucifer was. In fact, he almost seemed the opposite. Sam was so filled with kindness and selflessness that Castiel has never seen in a human. It shown in his soul, how he was so ecstatic to save someone or to just make someone happy. He was friendly and caring, putting others in front of himself almost every time.

Castiel wondered if God made him different from Lucifer on purpose. Or maybe Lucifer was different than what everyone said he was.

Castiel grew to love the Winchesters and everything about them. They made a good pair and fought together diligently.

It was only a matter of time before Castiel messed that up, just like everything else.

He watched as his brothers slowly got killed. Gabriel, Samandriel, Balthazar. He felt himself fall for the Winchesters, hoping that they would be the ones that put Castiel together again.

Castiel just wanted a family.

That never turned out well.

Castiel's on a mountain, looking down on earth.

Looking down at all the beautiful creations.

He could hear Dean pray to him in the back of his mind.

_Hey, Cas. We need to here. You mind coming down here for a minute? I have pie_

Castiel knew he couldn't go back there.

He ruined the Winchesters, lied to them and went behind their back more times than can ever be redeemable.

Mistake after mistake, lie after lie.

It was as if he didn't know how to love.

Castiel's on his own.

He's reminiscing of his mistakes.

His whole life's a mistake.

He remembers what his mentor used to say to him.

Telling him that he was an abomination for his wings

That he was God's mistake

Castiel tried to keep his head up through all of it, not let it get to him.

He tried lying to himself, trying to believe that he was actually worth something.

Every year, every death of a brother caused Castiel to fall deeper and deeper.

He didn't know where angels went when they died.

He was about to figure it out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Please comment/Kudos to make my day :D


End file.
